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going on a diet.
Aug. 24th, 2025 06:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mshellfire
yes, it's probably the 2934784th attempt at trying to control the urge to gorge myself to death with food.
it will be hard, i know it already. you know, pigs do what pigs do, and i'm a pig with a human skin.
i also started cutting again, to regain some kind of control over my body. just a small cut on my giant left boob, with the razor i use to shave my body hair. it was almost exhilarating, seeing the cut becoming red and feeling that little rush of pain.
if my dad were still alive, he'd be so, so disappointed. but i'm used to being a disappointment to my family, so what do i have to lose?
mom said that she will take walks around the building with me, but she'll probably forget she said it or tell me she's too tired to do so, that's always been like this.
she was anorexic at some point in her life, she should understand how much i've struggled my entire life with my body image but she's been my worst enabler, cooking and letting me eat too much, then insulting my appearance and feeding my insecurities and then promising me she would help me but backtracking because this or that reason, rinse and repeat. i have my own responsibilites, of course, the first one being that i feel happy only when i eat so i've always found it difficult to give up on that rush of endorphines that was always far too short.
i know i can't count on her for help, she changes her mind a lot. so i have to take control of my mind, my body, my soul and my choices.
i always let my mom and my sister (but mostly my mom) choose for me because "family knows best" and the few times i chose something i failed miserably like they told me it would happen (sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy). this time i've got to do things myself. i found a tiktok video with interesting exercises to do with a chair, it might be helpful if i manage to lose some weight and gain some energy to start doing physical activity. i prefer walking, but i'm scared of getting out of my house alone, i would need someone to walk with me at all times and i've got no friends and no significant other to do this with. my sister has things to do and my BIL works so the only one i can count on is mom. my relationship with her is co-dependent at best, me and my sister believe that she's an undiagnosed narcissist, some day i will write about the shit she's done and said to us, and how differently has treated us. there was a golden child-scapegoat dynamic, but it was unstable. i mean, i wasn't always the golden child and my sister wasn't always the scapegoat, i don't know if you get what i mean. she was mean, dramatic, violent and vulgar with both of us, she had high expectation from both of us, and both of us, i think by our own choice and out of pure spite, failed to meet her expectation. my family, and my extended family on both sides, is weird and dysfunctional, so that's not a surprise that i was the designated child, the one with the most mental health issues and the one who struggled the most. as most narcissist, mom is also incredibly funny, charming, a raging liar so sure of her own lies that starts believing them, and can act as if every person she meets and talks to is watching the best performance of her life. it's weird, i love her a lot but i also resent and hate her. i can't live without her, i can't abandon her and cut this umbilical cord that keeps me tied to her but it's suffocating me at the same time. how can i, she's the only parent i have left. i tell myself: "maybe it's just all in my imagination, she's not that bad, i'm the one who's dramatic" but then it just clicks that she's not normal.
i guess i wrote too much now, i've got a stomachache. bye.
it will be hard, i know it already. you know, pigs do what pigs do, and i'm a pig with a human skin.
i also started cutting again, to regain some kind of control over my body. just a small cut on my giant left boob, with the razor i use to shave my body hair. it was almost exhilarating, seeing the cut becoming red and feeling that little rush of pain.
if my dad were still alive, he'd be so, so disappointed. but i'm used to being a disappointment to my family, so what do i have to lose?
mom said that she will take walks around the building with me, but she'll probably forget she said it or tell me she's too tired to do so, that's always been like this.
she was anorexic at some point in her life, she should understand how much i've struggled my entire life with my body image but she's been my worst enabler, cooking and letting me eat too much, then insulting my appearance and feeding my insecurities and then promising me she would help me but backtracking because this or that reason, rinse and repeat. i have my own responsibilites, of course, the first one being that i feel happy only when i eat so i've always found it difficult to give up on that rush of endorphines that was always far too short.
i know i can't count on her for help, she changes her mind a lot. so i have to take control of my mind, my body, my soul and my choices.
i always let my mom and my sister (but mostly my mom) choose for me because "family knows best" and the few times i chose something i failed miserably like they told me it would happen (sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy). this time i've got to do things myself. i found a tiktok video with interesting exercises to do with a chair, it might be helpful if i manage to lose some weight and gain some energy to start doing physical activity. i prefer walking, but i'm scared of getting out of my house alone, i would need someone to walk with me at all times and i've got no friends and no significant other to do this with. my sister has things to do and my BIL works so the only one i can count on is mom. my relationship with her is co-dependent at best, me and my sister believe that she's an undiagnosed narcissist, some day i will write about the shit she's done and said to us, and how differently has treated us. there was a golden child-scapegoat dynamic, but it was unstable. i mean, i wasn't always the golden child and my sister wasn't always the scapegoat, i don't know if you get what i mean. she was mean, dramatic, violent and vulgar with both of us, she had high expectation from both of us, and both of us, i think by our own choice and out of pure spite, failed to meet her expectation. my family, and my extended family on both sides, is weird and dysfunctional, so that's not a surprise that i was the designated child, the one with the most mental health issues and the one who struggled the most. as most narcissist, mom is also incredibly funny, charming, a raging liar so sure of her own lies that starts believing them, and can act as if every person she meets and talks to is watching the best performance of her life. it's weird, i love her a lot but i also resent and hate her. i can't live without her, i can't abandon her and cut this umbilical cord that keeps me tied to her but it's suffocating me at the same time. how can i, she's the only parent i have left. i tell myself: "maybe it's just all in my imagination, she's not that bad, i'm the one who's dramatic" but then it just clicks that she's not normal.
i guess i wrote too much now, i've got a stomachache. bye.
